Embrace Self-Care, No Apologies Necessary
With a global pandemic looming over our lives for more than two years now, the ideas of intention and self-care have become a distant thought for so many who are knee-deep in the trenches, focusing solely on survival. Nonetheless, quarantine and isolation have prompted some to reevaluate their priorities, and to lean into the idea of taking time to reflect, regenerate and appreciate who they really are.
The idea of setting intention, embracing self-care and acting on it is unique to each individual. In these short essays—or, shall we say, confessionals—we explore how a handful of unapologetic Indianapolis-area badasses of different backgrounds, generations and lifestyles are creating routines and challenging themselves to be the best self possible. Grab a glass of wine, a cup of tea or a yoga mat and breathe in perspectives, tips and methods that might connect or resonate within.
WHEN MY SELF-CARE STARTED, MY LIFE BEGAN AGAIN
words: Schawayna Raie
Schawayna Rale (photograph: Lance C. Parker of Illuminate Hue Media)
I’ve always been the kind of girl who hung out by myself. I was the girl you would find tucked off in a corner, observing the room. A future visionary spending time alone, conjuring up ideas for businesses, songs and music videos.
Who knew one day that shy little girl would be able to walk into a room and command attention? Who knew she would become a person people might consider an inspiration? Or that this little girl would carry the weight of so much on her shoulders?
Who is Schawayna Raie, anyway?
As I gained some local notoriety for my songwriting and became more of the woman I was created to be, my responsibilities became more demanding and overwhelming.
My life was no longer my own. Those moments of sitting in the back of a room observing people disappeared. Once I began performing my music more regularly, I felt like I had to be on at all times. It became a burden, and I felt I always had to show a side favorable to everyone and not the person I am. I had to become that online persona, worrying that if I made a misstep or did something fierce and courageous, I would be dismissed as a diva. All the while, I simply saw myself as that little girl looking to change the world and serve others through love.
How I took back my life
One day, the meaning of self-care revealed itself. Since I do not have children, I found some people assumed incorrectly that I was always available. This assumption opened my eyes and allowed me to make a decision to take care of myself: mentally, emotionally and physically.
Embracing this decision, I made the effort to no longer answer the phone each time it rang. I am deliberate about who I allow to come into my personal space. I take naps in the middle of the day, long walks around the neighborhood and listen to music that inspires me. Monthly spa treatments are routine and non-negotiable and weekly appointments to have my beautiful natural curly hair maintained give me moments of respite. These things literally saved my life mentally and allowed me to escape. Two of the places that most became my havens are Elite Hands Massage and Spa and Marie Hair Lounge, both women-owned businesses who embody self-care.
My self-care is being intentional about what my alone time looks like for me, but being by myself isn’t necessarily a self-caring moment. That moment happens when I am intentional about creating that space.
(clockwise from left) Audrey Hood; Aisha Herring; Jillian Walker; Jessica Bellamy; Jillian Walker; Jasmyn Squires(photo: Starla Mathis); Lavanya Narayanan; Rachel Stone
REAL TALK
“Self-care is a term that I believe often gets overused and misrepresented. To me, self-care isn’t about making yourself feel good superficially and temporarily, but it’s a practice that considers the whole self. In order for me to practice selfcare effectively, I have to ensure I am taking the time to regularly slow down and know myself—my needs, my desires, my limitations and my resources.”
—Audrey Hood, mentorship program director at Allies Inc.
“As a mom and career-driven woman, it’s important for me to go to therapy regularly. I keep this in my self-care tool kit because it is a space for me to unpack my raw feelings without judgment. It’s also a place where I can continue to build my tool kit on how to care for myself and navigate life, motherhood and my career in a way that is authentic and with my needs at the center.”
—Aisha Herring, founder and CEO of The Strength of SHE
“I wish all my self-care could be baths and meditation, but life gets busy. Sometimes my self-care is simply giving myself permission to do nothing. To leave the dishes and to-do lists and snuggle with my kiddo. And sometimes, self-care is supporting others, buying a plant from Stomping Ground or some FoodLoveTog spices from Goose the Market. Seeing other women thrive is the best self-care.”
—Jillian Walker, customer success manager at OnBoard
“I take weekend staycations at a local, nice hotel. There’s nothing like enjoying a night alone with a nice meal and glass of wine.”
—Jessica Bellamy, owner of Rae Bellamy Media
“Self-care is prioritizing my own needs above everything else. If I am not wellrested, well-fed and in a positive headspace, there is no way I can care for all those I love. Self-care involves moving my body every day, nourishing with whole foods and practicing mindfulness and meditation.”
—Jessica Gershman, founder of The Zen Mommy
“Saying no can be the best form of self-care because in those moments of no, you can give your mind, body and soul a rest.”
—Jasmyn Squires, CPA
“Surrounding yourself with the love and support you need and deserve is selfcare to me. Whether that’s FaceTiming friends, jumping on a Zoom call or calling members of my support team when things get tough, for me self-care is about giving myself the care that I would give my family and friends while understanding that I deserve time that is wholly and solely for me.”
—Lavanya Narayanan, writer and editor
“Self-care is giving yourself permission to choose you.”
—Rachel Stone, home-based caseworker
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HOW I UNTAMED SELFISHNESS
words: Leslie Bailey
Leslie Bailey (photograph: Faith Blackwell Photography)
It’s tough to pinpoint when I fell into the trap of selflessness. I do, however, recall the moment when I decided I was done with it.
My husband and I had hit a breaking point. We were almost a year and a half into a pandemic, during which I was trying to keep a new business afloat, our second child was about to turn 1 and our 3-year-old had taken to peeing on his bedroom floor for fun. We made an impulsive and sleep-deprived decision to head to the Bahamas for a weekend (this is not a weekend trip, for the record). Because I am the person who travels with multiple hardcover books I’ve been meaning to read, I found myself on a lounge chair, alone for the first time in months, my eyes welling up with tears as I read Glennon Doyle’s Untamed. I couldn’t stop highlighting passages— much like the person who had the used book before me. “No wonder this is a New York Times best seller,” I thought. Glennon was on to something. A lot of things, actually.
Something had to change
I arrived home to start another book that a numerologist once demanded I read but I never did, called The Art of Selfishness. Putting my self first became my new mission in life—in theory. But I didn’t do the work. It took getting really sick to realize that meant things had to change, and drastically. I took meetings off of my calendar. I declined any major commitments for the rest of the year. I asked my husband to start cooking half of the weeknight meals. I made long-overdue doctor appointments, purged clutter I’d felt guilty about letting go of and I took a long, hard look at how I run my business.
When I subtracted the things that were not serving me or my best interests, I began to experience abundance. I had more time, energy and space to reallocate. I became a more present mother and a more relaxed wife. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I also found myself drinking less and exercising more—well, exercising at all.
It’s a work in progress
My work isn’t done. I occasionally still find myself spending time with someone who drains me or absent-mindedly taking on household duties that could be shared with my partner. I apologize for things that aren’t my fault.
But here’s the real kicker: I’m almost embarrassed to share that, for this small moment in time, I sort of have my shit together. Because, as Glennon writes:
“I have been conditioned to mistrust and dislike strong, confident, happy girls and women. We all have. Studies prove that the more powerful, successful, and happy a man becomes, the more people trust and like him. But the more powerful and happy a woman becomes, the less people like and trust her. So we proclaim: Women are entitled to take their rightful place! Then, when a woman does take her rightful place, our first reaction is: She’s so … entitled.”
Since December, I’ve been searching for a word to carry me through 2022. Smarter, stronger and simplified were all in the running, but nothing felt like the one. As I write this, I realize the word has been with me the whole time: Selfish.
And I’m not one bit sorry about it.
