I rubbed my temple as I stared at the email invite to a dinner party and then glanced at my calendar.
The date was open.
But it was a busy time for work and life. My husband, a farmer, was deep in the harvest hustle. And thanks to the lifestyle of raising animals, finding time for any meal, let alone a dinner out that requires him to ditch the ball cap and boots, is tough. Plus, we have two children under the age of 3. With a babysitter costing what I would make writing two to five freelance articles, a night out seemed indulgent.
Not to mention that I had never met any of the others named in the “To” line. I had not even met the woman who sent the email. We were “Instagram friends.” If you were the slightest bit neurotic, you would think this all was starting to sound like the start of a classic Lifetime movie. I was intrigued, as after all it was a dinner party, a real-life grown-up dinner party.
Growing up, my parents hosted plenty of dinner parties. I would watch through the banisters at the top of the stairs, cheeks pressed against the slats, gleaning a peek at the scenes below. My dad greeted guests with Manhattans and the flame from tall candles flickered on my mother’s well-dressed dining room table. Chatter and laughter mixed with the music of Nat King Cole’s “Unforgettable,” “Close to You” by The Carpenters and—later in the evening—“Let’s Groove” by Earth, Wind and Fire. These nights serve as fond relics in my young memory as sophistication and adulthood at its best.
And yet, there I was, very much an adult, staring at the email invite and wondering, “Have I even been to a real dinner party before?”
Sure, we had been to parties. And, hosted parties too. There’ve been Christmas parties, cocktail parties, 30th birthday parties, Super Bowl parties and lots of “you bring this and I’ll make that” parties. We’ve done plenty of meet-ups at the local brewery. (God bless the brewery that permits children.) And, we’ve brunched. A lot.
I thought of the many weekends spent waiting (for close to an hour…) outside some new trendy spot with friends for a millennial-chic brunch. First, nursing hangovers together in our 20s, and then serving as our reward—in the form of a glorious mimosa—for surviving a child’s sleep regression in our 30s.
Carbs, midday booze, someone else doing the dishes and an Instagram-worthy plate. All things that sounded good at the time, but cost hours of my weekends (and a small fortune) and really, only made me even more tired. In the invite, Reba, the hostess, mentioned her idea for her party stemmed from the book Brunch Is Hell: How to Save the World by Throwing a Dinner Party by Brendan Francis Newnam and Rico Gagliano of the popular podcast The Dinner Party Download.
Society is under threat. The culprit? BRUNCH. Not merely a forum for overpriced eggs, brunch is a leisure-timesquandering hellscape, embodying all that is soul-killing and alienating about modern life.
How to fight back? By throwing dinner parties—the cornerstone of civilized society!
A quick search on GoodReads led me to a definitely ironic, slightly accurate summary: Society is under threat. The culprit? BRUNCH. Not merely a forum for overpriced eggs, brunch is a leisuretime- squandering hellscape, embodying all that is soul-killing and alienating about modern life. How to fight back? By throwing dinner parties—the cornerstone of civilized society!
“We will be there!” spewed from my fingers onto the screen and, with a click, répondez complete.
Sitting back, I wondered, “Why don’t more people host dinner parties?”
And, then, “Why don’t I host dinner parties?” I have a degree and built a career in “Hospitality” and yet, I wasn’t practicing true hospitality.
A few days later, while engrossing myself in Brunch Is Hell, I learned that even brunch doesn’t allow me to really experience hospitality.
What I was trying to find in brunch for years was connection, good conversation and a reprieve from everyday life.
But still, despite being seemingly duped, brunch out at a restaurant is a heck of a lot easier than hosting a dinner party.
Dinner parties are lot of work. There’s shopping and prep, cooking and dishes. And, what if that recipe doesn’t turn out or isn’t as beautiful as the image on Pinterest? Cooking for people is pressure.
They are also kind of scary. Not in the Lifetime movie kind of way (hopefully); but in the inviting people into your home and letting them see the real you. Letting them see that you got behind on the landscaping or your baseboards could use some attention.
You are also not an interior designer, nor do you have their budgets. There is comfort found in inviting your friends to the new brunch place, ordering a cool latte, surrounding yourself with the white subway tile you lust over for an Instagram photo further perpetuating your well-crafted personal brand.
Or you can do what Reba did. You can step into discomfort, even if you are a little scared. Throw open your imperfect doors—even when your master bathroom is under renovation like hers was. Don’t hide the everyday elements of life. Reba’s kitchen was complete with a chalkboard listing the week’s menu for her family and the side of a refrigerator full of the evidence of children; but what this represented was a well loved and lived-in home.
While Reba dealt with the pressure of preparing a meal and a clean house, her guests also stepped into this party with uncertainty.
“New people. Small talk. Real pants!” These alarms rang in my mind and rattled excuses of why not to attend. But sometimes we have to take a leap of faith to challenge our routines.
Each of us walked into the dinner party with discomfort and fear, but all of us walked away with much more than a fabulously prepared meal.
And to much of our surprise, not one photo of the food, the table, the cocktails was taken. Instead, our phones were down and tucked away. We didn’t share posts or boomerang videos with all of Instagram. We focused on each other. We shared actual stories and eye contact. We connected over our histories, passions and current podcasts. We laughed, talked food, travel and divulged our greatest weakness in the kitchen. We even shyly admitted our reservations prior to getting together for the evening.
That evening we didn’t solve any of the world’s problems. But, as the wine was poured and family- style dishes were passed around, our stories and lives unraveled in conversation. We found common ground and empathy. We found new perspectives and new friends. And, we found that we are actually more woven together than not. We found that at a dinner party—over a cocktail while passing homemade bread— these ties in life were easy to uncover.
And, if meaning, purposeful connection, conversation, powerful experiences and true hospitality are the things we crave most, each of us now knows that at a dinner party—a real-life, grown-up dinner party—they can be found.
We each left Reba’s full in every way you could be full. Heads full. Hearts full. Bellies... full. Buzzing on the electric energy found in good conversation with an interesting group of people… and the red wine.
We left eager to go out in the world and be kinder, smarter and more creative.
And, to host a dinner party—a real dinner party— of our own.
The Proper Binge Blog Edible Indy
Dinner Party Menu
APPETIZER:
BEVERAGE:
Raspberry Mojito Kombucha Mocktail
SALAD:
Grilled Zucchini, Pea, Mint & Parmesan Salad
MAIN:
Braised Short Rib Supper + Rice
DESSERT:
Cardamom Pavlova with Meyer Lemon Cream and Pistachios
*HUNGARIAN SNACKING TRAY
Move over charcuterie, the grazing board is now all the rage. Complete with bold cheeses, hearty proteins like eggs and meats, fruits and vegetables and even some sweets, this impressive board will awe your guests. Suggestions from Reba:
Pâté
Soft-boiled eggs
Hungarian peppers
Cheese: Capriole Julianna, Jacobs & Brichford Everton
Meats: Goose the Market, Turchetti’s Meat Market
Sweets
Tip: Make your own grazing board by buying a five-foot board at the local hardware store, sand it and stain it. Under $25.
GROCERY LIST
Banana peppers
Radishes
Cucumbers
Apples
Raspberries
Fresh mint (one bunch or two clamshells)
Limes (3)
Yellow onion (1)
Garlic (1 head)
Fresh ginger
Watermelon radishes
Cilantro
Zucchini (2–3 medium)
Fresh peas
Meyer lemons (6+)
Pâté
Ham
Salame (Smoking Goose)
Beef short rib— English style on the bone, 3 pounds (Fischers Farm)
Eggs (Bent Arrow Acres)
Unsalted butter
Heavy cream
Small Gruyere
Juliana, Capriole Cheese
Everton, Jacobs & Brichford
Rye bread toasts
Crusty-loaf sourdough, country boule, Amelia’s or Native Bread for gluten free
Russian tea cakes/meringues (small store-bought cookies for snack board)
Whole-grain mustard (Best Boy)
Kombucha (Circle Beverage)
Rum
Capers
Granulated sugar
Kosher salt
Distilled white vinegar
Cornstarch
Vanilla extract
Ground cardamom
Rice vinegar
Soy sauce
Dark brown sugar
Red pepper flakes
Basmati rice
Almonds (8 ounces)
Bag of ice
FIVE DINNER PARTY TIPS
CLEAN. YOUR. BATHROOM.
Straighten up your pillows and wipe your table down all you want but if you clean anything in your house before a party, clean the bathroom and light a candle in there. You can fake a “homemade” dessert but you cannot fake a clean bathroom.
Today’s not the day to sign up for Midwest Bartenders School If you want to serve a cocktail before dinner, make it as easy as you can. Think big-batch cocktails that you can make beforehand, or an easy two-ingredient spritz your guests can make themselves. This is not the time to try out your bartender skills and the last thing you need is to burn your side dish because you’re playing bartender trying to light an orange peel on fire.
PUT YOUR FRIENDS TO WORK
Give your guests a job. People often feel awkward when they arrive and sip a cocktail while the host chops garlic and wipes sweat from their brow while they stand there and... watch. To avoid feeling like a hibachi chef in front of your friends, give them an easy job while you finish up. Pick the leaves off the parsley, fill the water glasses with ice, open another bottle of wine, take out the trash! People are usually desperate to help and, let’s be honest, you probably need a little help. Let them.
A PARTY'S NOT A PARTY WITHOUT MUSIC
Music is as essential to a dinner party as the dinner itself. Just like your house and your food is a reflection of your personality, your music says a lot. In the era of Spotify, Amazon and Google music it’s easier than ever to make a playlist perfect for your party that’s also hours and hours long. Can’t figure out a playlist in time? Easy. Pick a “radio” station based on your current favorite artist, and let the algorithm take the wheel.
REBA'S PERFECT DINNER PARTY PLAYLIST:
- “Theme from A Summer Place” The Ventures
- “Love Forever,” Babe Rainbow
- “Trop Tard,” MUNYA
- “Sundress,” A$AP Rocky
- “Stranger Next Door,” Billy Changer
- “Freedom is Free,” Chicano Batman
- “Topless Party,” Piero Umiliani
- “Tell Her No,” The Zombies
- “Natural,” Tanukichan
- “Dream Lover,” Bobby Darin
- “Brazil,” Frank Sinatra
- “See-Line Woman,” Nina Simone
ENJOY YOUR PARTY.
You have prepared. You cleaned your bathroom until it sparkled. Everyone you invited is excited to come over. Keep in mind that a messy kitchen typically means good things are coming out of it. Enjoy your friends. Have another glass of wine. Remember you can always (always) order a pizza. Oh, and do the dishes in the morning.
For more inspiration, menus and shopping lists for your next dinner party, Reba Toloday, of The Proper Binge Blog and our hostess, visit the “Gatherings” tab at theproperbingeblog.com And, follow along on Instagram at @theproperbingeblog.
WHAT IS OLD IS NEW AGAIN.
Our go-to planner and creative is Brooke Csukas of Uncommonly Styled. She recommends shopping at antique stores and even in your own home. The table runner in our shoot was actually floor mats and the pink and gold dishes were wedding china inherited from our publisher’s mother-in-law. Try not to be perfect, set the table to suit your style and use what you have, even when things aren’t matching, they are you.
If setting a table still stresses you out, let her bring the table to you! UncommonlyStyledIndy.com
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